Conner is abused by, Bailey, their significant other while their best friend, Danni, watches helplessly. Each time Danni sees him he seems to have even more bruises, but he never seems to want to do anything about it. He lets it happen, saying that everything is and will be fine. Though Danni knows she shouldn't...she trusts his judgement. Yet when she gets a call from the police, her life is turned upside down. Connor was killed in a car accident on the highway during an argument with Bailey. Bailey had been drunk and grabbed the steering wheel, causing them to spin off the road and into the woods. It was said that Connor died on scene and his death had been painless. Danni took it hard, shutting the world out and only coming out to go to work, school, or get things she needed. A few years pass after that and one day while she walks into a newly built cafe to meet up with a friend, she had to do a double take at the one of the waiters there. It's Connor. Everything is different, he doesn't look the same and he had a different name, but it's definitely him and Danni doesn't know what to do. She believed he was dead, she mourned for him, and here he was in front of her. So what will Danni do?
“I’ll text them, okay?” Elliott asked after a moment, giving Zachary time to let himself settle down after tickling him. Another kiss pressed to his forehead, running his fingers through Zachary’s hair. “You do what you need to do before anyone comes here. Let yourself wake up a little bit more.”
Zachary didn’t reply for a moment, absentmindedly tracing shapes on his boyfriend’s chest. He’d seen the uncertain preview of the text from Danni without even opening his phone; his worry wasn’t going to dissipate any time soon. He forced himself to sit up, stretching out his overly tired limbs. They were in for a long day, especially if Danni decided she wanted to come home. She mirrored him in ways he didn’t like to think about, ways that made him realize more negative attributes about himself and his habits that he’d ignored. He was forced to recognize the toxic and harmful behaviors they both had, and Danni of all people didn’t deserve to be going through what he had dealt with his entire life. Danni was a good person, she always had been and Zachary believed wholeheartedly that she deserved the best. Of course he knew realistically life had its ups and downs, but he never would wish the mental strain and heartache that was his own life onto someone else; watching Danni struggle after they had lost Connor was one of the hardest things he’d done, and he’d lived on the streets with an untreated mental illness.
Stop thinking like that.
He pushed himself off of his bed, heading to put actual clothes on; if people were coming to the apartment, he couldn’t just look...well, the way he currently did after not leaving the apartment for the past few days. Zachary had practically shut out the world with how bad of a week it was on his mental health. He turned off his game console so he wouldn’t kill the battery, grabbing clothes to change into; he knew Elliott was already texting their friends, and he could only hope that Danni did in fact come home and that things could maybe, just for once, be not strained between everyone
The thought lingered even though she didn't want it to. It stuck around like a pesky fly at a barbecue.
There were issues with the idea though.
Danni didn't have many other friends that she was comfortable enough to live with, getting an apartment wasn't exactly a quick ordeal, and she wasn't ready to face her parents yet. Her mom wouldn't want to leave her side and her dad would want to come home just to be sure that she was alright. He loved his job, so she would feel guilty about taking him away from it until it ate her up inside and she fell even further into this depression. Something she wanted to avoid.
Then she worried about Zachary. How he would handle something like that if she did leave. As much as she would like to think he would hate the idea, he had Elliot and the others. They all seemed to really care about him. So much so that it often felt awkward being in the same room as them when they were over. As if they were silently condemning her for stressing him out even more. That was probably all just in her head. If she's learned anything over the past two years it was that depression twisted your view of reality. It was a wild ride, one she wasn't sure how to get off of. Or if she even could. She was drowning and there was no telling which way was up.
The thoughts slowly faded as she pulled into her parking spot, turned off the car, and got out. There was a sense of dread in the pit of her stomach, it always lingered but it was even more noticeable each time she came home. Zachary was likely home and he was rarely, if ever, alone. Elliot hung around like a shadow, but her former self didn't mind it. Her best friend needed the support she couldn't seem to offer him anymore. Needed someone to be there and reassure him that there was still good in this world. He deserved such great things, nothing could make her think differently about that.
My feet hurt.
Danni felt robotic as she shouldered her duffel bag and entered the building, avoiding anyone who might be in the lobby as she made her way to the elevator. She didn't even need to look at the panel to be sure she hit the right button. It was all so normal for her now to do nearly the same things every day. There were no parties for her to attend, no competitions, no dates. Guys hit on her often, she was attractive, but she didn't see them. They were all blurry faces, muffled voices she couldn't recognize in the background. She had tried to move on like many suggested, but it never worked. Dates never went anywhere. There was no connection with anyone else. No spark. Nothing. Dancing was the only thing that made her feel anything anymore, the only thing that brought her peace even if only for a short time. Unfortunately she couldn't just dance all the time, she needed things like food and sleep. Luckily she had regained some of her appetite back in the last year, sleep was still hard as all she had were nightmares but she managed.
She took a deep breath as the elevator stopped at their floor, her keys still in her hand from locking up the car. It didn't take long to reach the door to their apartment, hesitating for only a second before she entered. There were voices coming from the direction of Zachary's room, sounds of movement, but she paid them no mind as she entered the kitchen to fill her bottle with fresh water and grab something to eat before she escaped to her room for the rest of the night.
Zachary managed to get a presentable outfit on, rather sluggishly considering this was the furthest from his ideal day. The shirt was slightly wrinkled, he'd noticed, though he paid it no mind as he entered his bathroom. He stood in front of his mirror, the door almost fully shut but he'd forgotten about it the moment he saw his reflection. Dark circles beneath his eyes, messy and nearly unmanageable hair, the all too familiar empty look behind his eyes and the red blotches on his neck; he looked awful. And he barely recognized himself. It was normal, he'd come to realize when things got bad, that he often couldn't recognize the person he saw standing in front of him in the mirror. The constant headache, the all over body pain that came and went as quickly as the nausea did...all part of his daily life when things took a turn for the worse.
It's not like it matters anyway.
There was a ringing sensation in his ears. The edges of his vision became fuzzy.
Mom was right. She was always right. Disgrace. Disappointment. Trash.
His nails dug into his hands, anything to keep them from ripping his hair out.
No one cares. They don't. Not even you.
Unknown to Zachary, the bathroom door creaked open a little further. His cat, Rave, was rubbing up on his legs in his attempt to help though he stayed hyper-focused on his reflection.
"Bug? Are you alright?" A familiar voice; Elliott. He grasped onto it, blinking a few times to center himself again.
"Yeah. I'm okay," Zachary mumbled, unclenching his fists and reaching for his brush to try to get his hair back to what it should be. He was grateful Elliott didn't push this time. He probably realized now wasn't the time. He heard the door to the apartment open and his eyes shot up, head tilted ever so slightly; Danni was home. He turned to leave the bathroom, not a word needed for Elliott to know to follow as Zachary left to go to the kitchen. The moment he saw Danni, even with her back turned, he knew; today was one of the rougher days. He recognized the strained posture, the exhaustion.
Danni had picked a protein shake, she wasn't that hungry but with the workout she had today she knew she needed something in her system. It didn't feel like she could stomach anything solid. Maybe it was because it had been a tougher day than normal. The swirling thoughts weren't helping matters, but this wasn't her first time dealing with this situation. Usually she would just escape to her room and stay in there until she was feeling better, although truth be told she never felt better. It was all a façade so others wouldn't ask questions. How could she answer when she didn't know herself what was going on in her head? Everything up there was a mess, that's how it's been for the past two years. Some day she would escape this, she would move on, that day just wasn't today.
It'll never happen. This is Connor we're talking about.
She closed her eyes, her grip tightening on the small bottle in her hand. It was cold so it caused some pain, but she ignored it as she centered herself. Yes it was Connor that died, but she couldn't allow herself to be like this forever, right? At some point she had to get a grip on reality, the past was the past and there was no changing it. She just...wasn't ready yet, and that was okay right? Right. Things like this took time, and everyone grieved differently.
Her muscles tensed as her gaze came back into focus, realizing then that the refrigerator door was still open. She closed it gently, fixating on what had interrupted her little process. There was another presence in the room, and she knew who it was without looking to confirm it. Who else would it be? Only she and Zachary lived here though one could argue Elliott practically lived here. This wasn't a complaint, she knew he needed the support. His family was nagging at him, his best friend was in an endless fog; Elliot was the most stable one in the room at the moment. He had taken her role of keeping him calm, but he would have regardless. If Connor was alive, she wouldn't have the free time now and she refused to believe that he and Elliott wouldn't have ended up being a couple either way. Her sassiness was still alive somewhat.
"Hi guys." She replied, forcing herself to not seem as stressed out. Was that even possible? Life was hard even without overwhelming depression hanging over ones head. The studio was a lot to handle; there were a number of beginner classes scheduled in the next few weeks and the annual showcase was coming up in a couple of months. Danni wasn't sure she wanted to partake in it this year either. Maybe her time to be a competitive dancer had passed...
There was a long silence none of them dared to break at first. Zachary found himself staring at Danni, unable to tear his gaze from her; he could see right through her 'tough and strong' persona. He'd always been talented at that. Somehow she looked better than he did, even though he knew she was running around doing far more than he could even handle or actually did the past few days. Yet again, he saw the similarities from his own reflection in Danni's mannerisms and in her appearance. He hated that, though he knew it wouldn't change for him despite how he wished it would for Danni. She didn't deserve all of this heartache taking over every aspect of her life; he'd always been a firm believer that Danni deserved the light she gave to the world and others returned to her. Not to live the way he'd lived for years.
It's not going to change.
"You're going to hide in your room, aren't you?" He asked, his voice quiet.
We'll always be like this. Even when Danni isn't anymore.
He forced himself to ignore the thoughts beginning to creep in, grateful for Elliott's reassuring presence as a brief touch to his back. This was how it always was; Danni came home and she scurried off into her room, whatever brief interaction they had usually their only interaction. Unless, of course, they got caught in one of their fights...but even those were always brief spats neither of them meant to happen; they'd snap at each other over nothing, and it was often forgotten about. It came with living together while battling steep depression. Zachary didn't wait for a response before he pushed himself to speak again.
"Blake texted me again. Wants to know if you're getting food with us tonight," he said, asking for the same information he'd gotten an uncertain reply to over text. It was Blake's way of forcing the both of them out of the house with people they knew, anything to help give them all a sense of normal. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, essentially blocking Danni in; he'd get his answer whether she planned on giving one or not.
"I was thinking about taking a shower first." Dancing was a beautiful art, but it made one tend to sweat a lot. The back of her shirt was still damp, her socks too, and she felt gross. This was her every day. She didn't hate it, dancing made her feel peaceful. Her hair didn't particularly enjoy the daily showers, but sleeping with dirty hair was the epitome of nasty. Sometimes it was a rough workday or she was simply too tired and sore, but those days she just made sure to wash her sheets. Despite what she was going through she did her best to remain as clean as possible; she wasn't a neat freak she just liked to be organized. She supposed becoming a dancer had something to do with that, she had been a bit of a messy child.
Blake's always trying to make us get out of the house, no matter how awkward it is.
Danni appreciated Blake, he didn't let her completely wallow in her misery, but sometimes she just wished he would leave things be. That wasn't exactly fair to say though, she never exactly let Zachary do it. It was scary how much she understood what he was going through now, but she didn't regret it. If anything she was happy to know, if ever she got out of this funk then she could better assist him.
Baby steps.
As much as she wanted to just go to bed, she knew it's been awhile since she hung out with everyone. There was a reason for that, she felt like the odd one out, but nothing would stop Blake from coming over here and physically dragging her out of her room. He was persistent, she would give him that. Besides, she knew it was a good thing for her to get out occasionally and if she wanted to move on then she needed to make an effort. She had a feeling Zachary wouldn't take no for an answer either with the way he was blocking her into the kitchen. It was kind of intimidating...
The last thing Zachary was expecting was an agreement to the plans; he had been fully prepared to argue on it or have her just say no with an excuse he’d heard countless times before. This was an improvement to the last time Blake had come to pull them out considering Danni didn’t lock herself in her room this time. “Ah, um...yeah, of course you can,” he said after a moment, glancing over to Elliott who stood a few steps behind him. The buzzing, fuzzy feeling in his head refused to dull. The relief from Danni’s agreement should have made it better, but he knew better than to hope like that. It always got crushed in the end. His phone vibrated in his pocket, most likely Blake, and Elliott’s ringtone sounded at the same time; one of their friends was calling. In the distance, he could still hear the TV that Elliott had left on.
There's too much noise. Too much, too much, too-
“I’ll go take this,” Elliott said, a moment of glancing between them before he leaned down to press a kiss to Zachary’s cheek. He quietly excused himself, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand gently as he answered the phone. “Mae, hey, no it’s cool. Yeah, yeah, I know you’re getting Chad…” His voice trailed off down the hallway, leaving Zachary and Danni standing there.
The deafening buzzing briefly came to a halt. Significantly, it lessened.
It almost instantly freaked Zachary out; it was a natural reaction at this point. Elliott was often the middle ground and the one who kept things from spiraling too badly, either him or Blake. Though, he ignored it (as per usual), forcing himself to make some kind of conversation before he let Danni go shower. "Blake wants to try a new place with us. The others are meeting us there," he said quietly; the buffer of their close friends made Zachary a little less nervous for heading out with Danni for the first time in nearly two months. Blake and Elliott were good at gently locking them into a plan, he'd realized. All they wanted was to help, even if their attempts didn't always work out. Zachary always felt guilty on days their attempts were met with a breakdown while out and after getting home or outright refusal.
And today could go either way.
"I'll...leave you to showering. Blake should be here soon," he mumbled, taking a few steps back before he stepped aside to unblock her exit.
Somewhere new. Danni didn't know how to feel about that, but there was no turning back for her now. Zachary wouldn't let her go back on her word, and once she made plans she had the habit of keeping to them. That was one thing that had never changed, even if occasionally she wished that it would. Negative thoughts, she disliked them but they annoyingly hung around like ants during a picnic. As much as she wished they'd leave her alone, she's accepted that it came with the territory of depression. There was so much she hadn't known about before her own experience, watching Zachary go through this was much different than going through it oneself.
"I'll be quick." She muttered, edging her way past him and down the hall. Once she was in her darkened bedroom she let out a sigh of relief. It took a lot of effort to pretend to be feeling better than what she really was. He probably saw through it, being the expert he was, but that didn't stop her from trying anyway. There was enough tension in the apartment as there was, she really did try to alleviate some of it whenever she could. Even if it meant taking a hit to her mental health. Somewhere inside she was still the girl who cared about her friends more than she did herself. The light wasn't fully extinguished just yet.
I better hurry up if I don't want to make us late.
That would just put a damper on her mood, and right now she was feeling...okay.
She threw her bag down in front of her desk and dug out some clean clothes from her closet, not bothering to look at what they were before she escaped to the bathroom. Despite her fairly long hair, she didn't take that long to shower. The sound of the water hitting the tiles below was soothing, easing her mind enough for her to get through the motions and finish quickly. It really wasn't long before she stepped out of the shower, toweling herself dry, and staring at herself in the mirror.
I look like I haven't slept in days.
Which now thinking about it, she probably hasn't. At least not very well.
Danni pulled on what seemed to be a pair of hip hugging black jeans and a light blue tank top that was sort of cute; it had some lace at the bust. She would likely wear a thin cardigan over it to be more comfortable. Her appearance didn't matter much when not performing, but she did like to put some effort in when going out. This outfit actually made her feel pretty good about herself, and at least it wasn't a leotard or sweats.
After throwing her hair up into a pony tail, she went back to her room to find her shoes and a cardigan. She didn't hear Zachary or Elliot, but she wasn't too concerned. They were adults.
Zachary waited until Danni was out of the room and he heard her door shut before he let his shoulders slump forward. This was going to be a long night. He stood in front of the sink, unsure how he got from the doorway to their sink; he didn't remember moving. Was he getting water? Was that why he now had a cup in hand? He knew he didn't have to put up such a front, especially with Danni going through something very similar. It was just a natural instinct to keep his walls up high. His vision blurred at the edges once more as he gripped onto the edge of the sink, drink forgotten about.
What now?
"Hey, bug, the others are on their一" Elliott's voice sounded as he turned back into the kitchen, though he stopped himself when he saw Zachary's state. "一way," he finished, much quieter than when he entered. He approached him slowly from behind, gently wrapping an arm around his waist; he wasn't surprised when he felt Zachary briefly jump, though he was glad he quickly relaxed. "Talk to me?"
There was a long pause, not because Zachary was stalling but because he had no clue where to start. And that seemed to be normal for him, to not know how to explain where his mental health was at. It was confusing. Assessing himself wasn't normally easy. "I...sorry, I don't want to worry you. I'll...I'll be fine once we aren't in the apartment." Liar. Disgusting liar.
Elliott frowned at that. He was used to Zachary avoiding the question, especially when it wasn't just the two of them. Something about his independence and worrying people; his pride stood in the way even if he didn't want to admit it. Zachary didn't talk about his problems with just anyone, even if people noticed; he was very selective with who he told and what he told them. He knew Zachary wasn't even sure if it'd work, but he wouldn't push this time. "Maybe the fresh air will help too," he said quietly, pressing a kiss to Zachary's shoulder.
Zachary sighed, turning around after a moment to face his boyfriend. Up close, the exhaustion was written all over his face, though Elliott ultimately would ignore it like he did before Danni came home. He didn't speak, simply leaned forward to push his face against Elliott's chest; they stayed like that for a long while. It wasn't a great day, but he wouldn't back out of the plans Blake and Elliott made when they tried so hard to make it work and Danni had said yes. He heard Danni's door open, knowing it must have meant she was finally ready.
A knock at their door was heard moments later, Zachary's voice muffled.
Danni had sat at the end of her bed, staring at the shelves of snow globes on the other wall, for what felt like hours. A pair of black ankle boots were on her feet and she had found a plain white cardigan, attempting to not look as if she were still in mourning. Black was simply the easiest to pair with anything; she supposed she just didn't have that colorful of a wardrobe and that was okay.
There wasn't much going on in her head at the moment, she still wasn't looking forward to this though. She didn't know how it would go, but she planned on not bursting into tears at the sight of anything that strongly reminded her of Connor.
I at least like to hope I'm past that stage.
Connor would not be on her mind at all tonight, she was determined to have a somewhat normal night out. If that was possible. Things would certainly be awkward, she felt like an outsider among this small group of friends and she wasn't sure how to not feel that way. It was honestly annoying that she didn't know how to be her kind of normal, she missed being the one to make others smile. Her energy hadn't been anything special, but it was bright and happy. She missed being happy.
You can be happy again Danni.
Yeah right.
Maybe.
Zachary hadn't seemed to find pure happiness in all the time she's known him, but Elliot made him happy. That was something more than what she had. The only time she seemed happy was when she was asleep, but that was only because she wasn't conscious enough to think about anything. When she was dancing she was only at peace, like there was a break in the storm that was her life. Even before all of this that was the way she had felt, dancing was freeing. It didn't mean that dancing didn't make her happy, just that it wasn't her happiness.
I better stop thinking before I'm stuck in my head all night.
Danni pushed herself up with a tired sigh, grabbed her phone and wallet, and headed for the main room of the apartment just in time to hear a knock at the door. It was go time.
Zachary forced himself to pull away from Elliott, not wanting to leave Blake standing out there too long. He dropped the unused cup in the sink before he headed out of the kitchen, with Elliott trailing not too far behind. He tried his best to smooth out his shirt on his way through to their living room, ignoring the way his chest squeezed from the anxiety as he opened the door. His nerves eased just enough when he saw Blake; maybe he would manage through this dinner outing.
"Hey, all. Ready to go?" Blake asked, a sweet smile on his lips as he took a look around the three of them. The tension was obvious, and he was no idiot. He knew his friends, especially growing up alongside Zachary since they were small. Knowing how Danni worked came with being Zachary's best friend; she slowly became his own best friend too. He didn't wait for an answer. "Great. Let's go," he said, stepping inside to pull Danni up since he knew it'd be a hassle if he hadn't dragged her out the door. On his way back to the door, he looped his arm with Zachary's to pull both of them out.
"Wait一" Zachary tried getting out of Blake's hold, to no avail. "I need to lock the apartment一"
"I'm already on it, bug," Elliott assured him, having grabbed Zachary's keys off the hook by the door since he was last out.
Zachary gave up trying, letting himself be pulled out to Blake's car after sharing a look with Danni. He sunk back into the car seat, letting the car ride go by without saying much. It all felt like a bit of a blur to him.
Danni sighed, glancing at Zachary as Blake dragged both of them out of the apartment like hostages. She felt like such a child whenever he did this, but she knew better than to argue. Arguing required energy and she didn't have any. Work had been busy lately and she was sore, but it was normal and she was used to it. Her gaze moved forward so that she didn't trip as they made their way down to the parking lot. The trip was quick, she was outside and the fresh air was nice. As they neared the car she pulled herself out of Blake's grasp and climbed into the backseats. He didn't need to help her with this, she wasn't going anywhere and she knew he would go after her if she did. She was a grown woman, she could do without any embarrassment
You'll freak out again, you always do.
No I don't.
Danni took a deep breath and put he seatbelt on, settling into her seat. Everything would be fine.
The car ride wasn't terrible, mainly Blake catching up with Elliott and chatting with the two of them occasionally. Zachary kept his eyes locked on the window watching the city and its colors blur, the voices inside the car and the music warping a bit. He wasn't sure what he was answering to when he was responding to them, though he snapped out of it once the car came to a stop. He looked around for a moment, assessing what part of the city they were in and what restaurant Blake had brought them to. It seemed to be popular, though Zachary didn't recognize it; most of the restaurants and diners he went to were usually places that they frequented. There wasn't a change very often. He forced himself out of his seat, waving off Blake who he knew was about to threaten to drag him out of the car.
"Let's go in. The others should be here soon if not already," Elliott said after a moment, following Blake inside with Zachary and Danni.
It's new. You won't like it.
Zachary squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, forcing the thoughts away as they waited to be seated. We'll be fine.
Danni did her best to pay attention to the conversation when it was directed towards her. Nothing exciting, but she had to remind herself that she needed to make an effort if she were to get out of this slump. How else would she help Zachary if she couldn't help herself first? He needed all the support he could get, and she needed to find herself again. The part of her she so desperately missed. When they weren't talking to her she was doing much like Zachary and staring out the opposite window, unsure as to where they were going. She got herself out when they parked, glancing around with a curious eye as she followed after Blake in silence. They seemed to be in a part of the city that she didn't entirely recognize, how did he manage to find this place?