Post by Billy Pumpkins on Dec 8, 2021 3:08:06 GMT
The Captain Millennium Emporium & Christmas Wonderland - December
Just outside Millennium City was one of the most extravagant holiday sites on the East Coast: The Captain Millennium Holiday Emporium & Christmas Wonderland.
Designed with an Alpine architecture and operating year-round, the building is 7.35 acres (2.97 ha) in size with landscaped grounds covering 27 acres. Outside the entrance are three 17-foot-tall outdoor caped Santas and a 15-foot-tall snowman known as Snowmanman. Inside, there are approximately 800 animated figurines at various locations throughout the store. Captain Millennium's parking lot can accommodate up to 1,080 cars and 50 buses.
Today it was host to the astonishing TedX-Men, an initiative designed to promote ideas about superhuman topics. A lecture room situated in the Christmas store and emporium had been briefly converted into a stage with an expansive array of chairs surrounding the middle area for visitors to sit down in.
In the center of the stage stood an unassuming man in his mid-to-late thirties, bundled up in a wonderfully tacky green and red holiday sweater and khakis. He'd chosen to dress nicely, because he was going to be giving a very important talk. The man's name was William L. Potter, and he had what he considered to be a great honor - to be a TedX-man for the day and share his metahuman story.
Next to him, hanging on a display rack, was a large silver discus, not unlike a UFO without the bubble; that was his glider, deactivated and put on show for all to see. A nearby pole held his famous pumpkin helmet, now extinguished; on a table were a collection of replica pumpkin-themed explosives, his purple gloves, and some of the dark green scale mail that made up his costume. Behind him was a large screen that played a "Happy Holidays" gif on standby while he waited to begin his presentation. He knew it was being livestreamed, too, but he didn't think about that. He just let his nerves wash away.
"Hey y'all. It's a real pleasure to be here today to share my story. Especially as Christmas draws so near, a time that's very dear to my heart," he said, prompting a wave of approval noises to sound off from the crowd.
"I love to be close to my family. My ex-wife, her husband, and her boyfriend have all been very welcoming. It's always wonderful to see my kids, too." He waved to the crowd. His kids didn't really wave back. One was playing with a Switch. The other sank in her seat and tried not to be seen.
"But there was a time when something took me away from that very same family. And that, you see, was Billy Pumpkins."
The slideshow behind him switched. It now displayed images of a fiery pumpkin-headed wraith dressed head-to-toe in battle armor blasting through a wall dragging Daddy Long Legs from a lasso.
"Like nearly point one percent of people worldwide, I suffered from what my doctors have been calling 'supercriminal psychosis.' I invented a rideable hovercraft, lit a pumpkin-shaped helmet on fire, and went on a three-year long crime spree, which usually intensified around October."
He bowed his head and laced his fingers together in front of his stomach, letting a short, nervous laugh escape from his gullet.
"And I'm not going to lie. It was a lot of fun. I felt invincible! No, I mean, I really didn't feel pain. I was beating Dreadboy half to death with a two-by-four once, and I didn't even realize he'd broken my arms until five whole minutes after he'd done it. They were just flopping around," he laughed, rubbing his hands through his hair. One of the TedX-Men handlers shook his head and gestured to William wildly from the back of the room, crossing his hands over each other.
Oops.
"Sorry. I, uh...anyway. I went to jail, and that's when I started therapy. I learned to look at Billy Pumpkins differently. Y'see, I think that everyone has a Billy Pumpkins, right? A little guy who, who is like, uh, the Id. He's a little scoundrel, always out for himself. And that's why I love Christmas. Because it's...not...that."
He's off script, one of the attendants in the back realized. This is way beyond baseline.
The silence from the crowd was deafening. Everyone just wanted to go back to the store and it showed.
Sweat beaded on William's forehead. Oh, how awkward. Billy would know what to do. He should ask him.
Oh dear, he thought.
"And that's the thing about Billy Pumpkins!" he continued, mouth moving faster than his mind. "I mean, he's a rat, but he's like, survival instinct. He's a nice guy, but a bad guy too. He looked out for me, but he was bad for other people. I mean, thank God he never killed anyone. Because that's, uh, that's it. My point. He's not dangerous. Not really. I mean, nobody freak out, right? These things here on the stage with me are replicas! Except the glider, I mean. But it's not fueled, haha."
He patted the glider on the engine tank. It sloshed a bit.
OK, there's definitely fuel in here. Did I do that? When did I do that?
Well, nobody would ever know. It'd be his little secret.
Uh-oh, everyone was looking at him. Better turn this around quick. He could make out a "Mom, I'm scared" being whispered in the front row. Oof.
"Anyway. Christmas. Christmas is great. It's my favorite holiday, not Halloween. Because Christmas is about telling your own little Billy Pumpkins 'no!' It's about being better than that little Scrooge voice that says 'Bah, humbug! Hands in the air, coppers, or I blow up this schoolbus!'"
One of the elves put a finger to his earpiece. Some people were leaving through the back of the auditorium. There were a lot of dislikes pouring in from across the internet, or there would have been, if the button hadn't just been removed.
"Billy Pumpkins hated Christmas more than anything. That's why I love it more than anything. I love it, and my family, and my job working as a special effects tech in movies. And I still get to do my pyrotechnics thing, so it's like Christmas every day," he laughed. "That's my real passion. I mean, B.P. and I had that in common. I invented this special fire - I mean, hey, check this out - "
The elf was radioing in help now.
Potter had dropped the pumpkin helmet onto his head and flipped the switch on the back.
It exploded.
"CHECK IT OUT! I'M FINE IN HERE! WARM, BUT FINE!" he shouted as an inferno consumed the jack o' lantern headgear. Children in the front row screamed.
Oh, that was music to his ears. It was like Hark the Herald Angels Sing and Carol of the Bells put together.
Huh. Well.
"WAIT. BEFORE I START, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ABILIFY? I DIDN'T TAKE MY ANTI-EVIL PILLS THIS MORNING!"
Days since last Billy Pumpkins incident:
With one gargantuan pull, he tore off his Christmas sweater, revealing his signature scale mail. Strength enhancers appeared fully charged.
When did I put this on? Holy crap.
He picked up some of the bombs while people fled the room. Ooh, armed. Nice.
Already, panic was spreading to the rest of the Emporium. Christmas was very much in danger now.
He hopped on the glider, kicked off the stage, and tore into the main room. Three stories of snowy terror. Santas fled in panic.
He thrust both arms over his burning head as smoke curled through the air behind his glider, tripping the fire alarms and dousing the customers, already doing what they could to avoid a complete panic situation. The water never touched his head, though, curling into steam as it touched the flickering flames on his skull.
"I'M BILLY PUMPKINS, BABY! FUCK CHRISTMAS! IT'S HALLOWEEN FOREVER!"