Pirates of the Hard Nox [Open]

Caleb blacked out for maybe a second or two, but forced his eye open after hearing Alys' voice. The things she said were the words he needed to hear to be pulled out of his hole of self pity, it wasn't over after all and she was right, he had to talk to Emer. He had to lie. His mind seemed clearer after pouring it all out, and he stopped her thumb from wiping away anymore tears by placing a hand on top of hers, eye staring back at her blue ones. If only she knew how important she was becoming, how much he'd be willing to do for her.

"Leave it. The tears will sell it." Caleb said, when Emer's voice on the other side of the door broke the silence. It was unlikely he'd successfully hide Alys' presence in the room, but they didn't have much of a reason to hide anymore. Not from Emer at least. "I can do this." He assured her, dropping her hand and walking over to the door, twisting the key.


When Caleb stepped outside, his face was swollen and glistening from semi dry tears. He sniffed and wiped some of it with the back of his hand in front of Emer.

"I'm sorry, you're right." He sounded defeated, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'll tell you everything, I… I just needed a moment."

***

Leo was right, he was a good listener. He didn't say a thing, not until she'd gotten all of it out, even if most of it didn't make sense or sounded a bit stupid after it left her mouth. At some point she had made it into the room and sat on a chair close to the door.

"Ciaran… Ciaran is different." She said in between sniffs, but the tears were no longer there. Leo talked about building a wall around her heart, but… It was so empty. She hugged herself, putting her feet up to curl up on the chair as much as she could. "I'm tired of being alone, Leo."

The look on her face was thin and cold, though her eyes softened a bit when she saw Caleb's own ragged, tear-streaked gaze. She hadn't caught a glimpse of whoever he was laying with before he stepped outside, but that was only the smallest thought on her mind at the moment.

He reached out to touch her shoulder, and she shifted, a bit, somewhat uncomfortably.

"Caleb." She tried to be level. To be clear. To not let the turmoil she felt right now slip through. But - it was hard. "I know that you -"

Her voice cracked. She swallowed, and tried again.

"I know what happened. I just - want to know why. I know it cannot be what it seems."

"She wouldn't-"

Another choke. It was frustrating, not being able to talk about this - not being able to think about this without having to struggle to keep her emotions in check. Even in the empty sky, the clouds still rolled.

"She wouldn't have done that. Not - she hated Solomon. She would've sooner spat in his face than play his games."

She rubbed her shawl across her eyes, lip trembling into a slight frown.

"And she cared for you. She loved you deeply, and trusted you to- to-"

Emer shook her head. Sinead was reckless. Sinead flirted with death. A sharp revelation cut through her thoughts, enough of an edge to make her gasp.

She let you kill her. To succeed her. To buy us time with King.

But she couldn't tell Caleb that, could she? He was hurting enough, too much to know Sinead's final act had been one of compassion for him - for the rest of the crew. Emer looked up, meeting Caleb's eyes. Her hand rest on his shoulder, shaking, and she saw him, really saw him, for the first time since he'd opened the door. Saw the redness of his eyes. His haggard gaze. His slumped posture. And, sliding her hand to his back, she pulled him into an embrace.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Emer always saw the best in people, even more so in Sinead. Caleb never understood why.

She spoke of the captain's feelings with such conviction that Caleb almost believed them to be true, especially after she'd surprised him so many times that day - first when attempting to protect him from Solomon King, and then when refusing to grab the knife. The knife was easy to explain, he had been stupid to take it without making sure it was cursed, but the former… There had to be an explanation for that beyond love. No, Sinead was incapable of love.

"I'm sorry too." Caleb said, hugging Emer back and caressing the back of her head. If he hadn't poured it all out with Alys he would have cried too, but instead he just stood there, holding her until she was able to calm down.

***

Was it worth it? The life at the Nox wasn't like what she thought it'd be - not that she'd put much thought into it, it had been a very impulsive decision driven by the desire to be with the man she fell in love with.

Beck had never heard from anyone that she deserved better than what she had got, so Leo's words made an impression on her. Taking a better look at Leo who was probably somewhere around his early twenties, Beck had to admit; Ciaran was a bit old.

"I don't know, I… I guess I'd never really thought about it like that." To find happiness on your own. Was it even possible? "Do you consider yourself happy, Leo?"

Firm, assured footsteps, a click of the lock, and the slow groan of the door. When it happened again, Alys knew she was finally alone. Her eyes had closed once she'd felt his weight shift from the bed, too tired or perhaps still desperate enough to cling onto whatever control remained. Just a moment longer. Their incoherent words, mere mumbles from her location, were enough to keep her grounded. Then they disappeared, accompanying steps receding down the hallway. Rising to her feet, the fae walked towards the door and lingered silently, waiting. They were gone. Both of them. Burning hot tears ran down her jaw and throat before she made it back to bed. 

Choking back a sob, Alys untied her boots and tossed them carelessly to the side before crawling beneath the covers. The amount of pillows was overwhelming, yet she piled every single one together, allowing herself to sink into the comfort. Bringing her knees up to her chest, arms tightly wrapped around her legs, she sat and let the tears fall. 

The physical; the aches and pains, the emptiness she felt in her stomach, the dryness in her throat, that was all superficial. Fucking easy. But the rest? She thought about the way she'd spoken to and hurt the people she cared for - and the simple fact that there were even people in that category. She thought about the poison, how it'd infected her mind and controlled her actions. And even worse, she couldn't understand how a small part of her had liked it. She'd lost control, but in a way, she'd been uncontrollable. There was power, power and freedom of no consequences, no fear, no doubt - and she craved more. 

But above all, she cried over the feeling that felt like her chest was being ripped open. About the fact that she couldn't stop thinking about him. 

And so she sat, alone in a dark room, holding onto herself until sleep finally overcame her. 

"You shouldn't have to bear this," Emer murmured. "I'm sorry - on her behalf."

When she pulled away, her eyes were damp, but she held a gentle smile, brushing the back of her hand against Caleb's cheek.

"You're a good boy, Caleb. No - a good man. And - you will make a good captain."

Her lip quivered.

"I cannot - I do not think I can call you that yet, though. In time. All things, in time."

The wisewoman sighed, shaking her head.

"I do not trust Solomon's men. Just now - the tall, pale one. Naveen. He - made me feel unsafe. I know circumstances forced you to their side, but the sooner we are free of them, the better I will feel."