Post by Siren on Nov 19, 2022 21:27:48 GMT
"Nah."
The energy had faded a little, Katarina's eyes averted, shoulders slumping. She watched out the window as the rowhomes and towers of the city faded into colonials behind rusty chain fences, as the road gave way to steel bridge and open river.
"She doesn't think like that. But - when they told her how to think her whole life, she didn't really have a chance to do anything different. The night I ran away, I could tell there was a little - a little human left. She wasn't a monster. Not all the way." She leaned her face on the window. It was cool, she could tell, but not soothing. She wondered if soothing would feel better than numbness. Maybe hurting, then stopping the hurt, felt better than never hurting at all. "I could tell she loved me. She didn't - understand me, but she loved me."
It didn't feel good to talk about this, think about this. Feelings she'd ran away from, tried her hardest to abandon. That's how she did it, right? No soothing. Just numbing. Pain was something she didn't know. Maybe it'd feel better to embrace how it felt, leaving that life behind, knowing Tetushka was dead, knowing her sister still had a little human left, but couldn't leave - was too far gone to leave. Then she could let her feelings cool. But -
She couldn't.
Wouldn't.
Doing that would break her promise, right? To only look for the joy in life. It wasn't like her to wallow. Katarina sighed, rubbing her face against her shoulder.
"I just think you're wrong about us. Wrong, upset, hurt. But you're not gonna listen to me, yeah?"
The energy had faded a little, Katarina's eyes averted, shoulders slumping. She watched out the window as the rowhomes and towers of the city faded into colonials behind rusty chain fences, as the road gave way to steel bridge and open river.
"She doesn't think like that. But - when they told her how to think her whole life, she didn't really have a chance to do anything different. The night I ran away, I could tell there was a little - a little human left. She wasn't a monster. Not all the way." She leaned her face on the window. It was cool, she could tell, but not soothing. She wondered if soothing would feel better than numbness. Maybe hurting, then stopping the hurt, felt better than never hurting at all. "I could tell she loved me. She didn't - understand me, but she loved me."
It didn't feel good to talk about this, think about this. Feelings she'd ran away from, tried her hardest to abandon. That's how she did it, right? No soothing. Just numbing. Pain was something she didn't know. Maybe it'd feel better to embrace how it felt, leaving that life behind, knowing Tetushka was dead, knowing her sister still had a little human left, but couldn't leave - was too far gone to leave. Then she could let her feelings cool. But -
She couldn't.
Wouldn't.
Doing that would break her promise, right? To only look for the joy in life. It wasn't like her to wallow. Katarina sighed, rubbing her face against her shoulder.
"I just think you're wrong about us. Wrong, upset, hurt. But you're not gonna listen to me, yeah?"